Golf Club Rules and Notes

Any aggressive mashie or niblick talk is discouraged. 

If scores are changed, erased, written over or obscured, 

the Club Drone and the Rules Committee shall sequester 

themselves in the Port Wine Locker, while players return 

to the scene of their last lost ball and take three drops, playing 

the one that rolls farthest downhill. From that position play shall 

be complete by midnight, using flaming brands and torches if 

must needs be. 

Any over-topping of the ball or flagrant shanking shall 

be memorialized and annotated, preferably in Latin. 

Antlers may not be worn in the Mystery Round. 

Hominy cakes shall not be hidden (or caused to be hidden)

in any golf bag. 

Gloves shall consist of four fingers and a thumb. No golf

mittens, please. C’mon, man. You know the rules. 

You cannot reasonably pick up a pinecone, yell “Is this

your ball?” and huck it in a pond—by unanimous vote. 

Discussion of course conditions shall be limited to 

one scathing remark per hole, and no idle chatter about

club personalities shall be allowed. The Rules Committee 

shall not be slathered with invective routinely. No curses shall 

be placed.

DO NOT write “the exigencies of fate” on your scorecard.

Lightning Round players shall use only four sticks: the 

Whopper, the Tapper, the Lofting Hook and the Slicer. 

Rabbits have right of way. Gators gonna gator.